Tuesday, February 01, 2011

Tuesday, February 01, 2011

3:54 PM

Well, here we are, already into February. This year will be half over before we know it. I just can't wait for it to warm up. I hate the cold.

Ok, so check out the bullshit I had to deal with last week. My pain management doctor is refusing to treat me, basically give me pain meds that I have been on for awhile. But early in the week I was told I could come by the office to pick up a prescription to get me through the next 30 days, according to Holly, my nurse the Dr. Lai.

So I drive the 2 hours out there and there is no prescription. She told me to wait while she waited for a call from Dr. Bergey's office. So I waited for over an hour and then it was 1:00pm and she was about to close the office. I'm just about out of meds and I'm having to scramble around on my phone and around this desert to get my meds.

2/10/2011 8:38 PM

Well, I fucked up. To begin with, I hadn't made a note in over a week, I tell myself to just make one small comment or whatever, everyday. As you can see I'm Johnny on the spot with that. But too, I don't know exactly why, but as last Saturday came to a close, I went bed at a decent hour. But like most nights I was up every couple to 3 hours, tossing and turning.

There was a huge race out in the desert Saturday. I had every intention on Friday to go out and watch them drive through town. It's huge, if you were to look for Parker Score 425 or something. I hadn't looked online yet. Anyway, around 6 am Saturday all the off road vehicles, jeeps, rails, trucks, whatever, were going to be rolling through town. Sort of like a parade.

Anyway, I stayed in bed because I just had such a bad night, again, from my hand hurting so much. So I stayed in bed, all day Saturday, Sunday, Monday and Tuesday. I think I ate 1 meal, drank very little water, cause that meant I would have get up and go piss at some point. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't get any rest. I still feel tired.

But this is where I "fucked up". I had an appointment with a doctor that is a Hand and Upper Extremity Reconstructive Surgeon yesterday. It was in Beverly Hills, CA. From my house to the office, it's 272 miles one way. According to Google, it's a drive that could take as little as 4 hours and 51 minutes, to as long as 7 hours and 40 minutes, (sounds like the time frame the cable guy gives you). My original plan was to go out to the area the day before, Tuesday, get a hotel room and that way I would be close enough to not have such long day with the round trip drive. Well because I've been in a shut down mode for 3 days, I put off going out early. So then I planned, 'well I'll just go to bed early and get on the road about 5:00 am'. I even took my bedtime meds early, 8:30, which included a muscle relaxer and sleep aide. I laid down around 9:30, tossed and turned until around 2/2:30am when I was actually able doze off. But that wasn't good enough, I woke up again after about 30 minutes. I even thought maybe just get up and go out then. That wouldn't have been good either. I didn't know if the sleeping pill would kick in at any given time to include the muscle relaxer, (soma 350). I may as well have been drunk if anything would have happened, like an accident. That I don't need, nobody does.

So anyway, I called the doctors office in the morning, explained what happened and they said that to reschedule would be as soon as August. So that's where I fucked up.

From talking to my attorney, this guy is the best. I also told my attorney that if the doctor couldn't re-wire the nerves in my hand to take the pain away, or help re-build the tendons to make my hand work normally, or at least functionally, I want my hand amputated.

I cannot do this anymore. I have to wear protection over my hand 24/7 now because the surface is sensitive to everything. Even the water coming out of the faucet, not the heat or cold, even though that is extra sensitive with either. Cold or Hot water is one thing, most people would imagine that I'm sure, but even I didn't think that my hand would be so sensitive to just the water running over my hand.

And then I have to dry my hand, it could be tissue paper and my hand is be in so much pain, just from "dabbing" it dry.

I even missed a psych therapy appointment today because I just couldn't handle going anywhere. I talked to my therapist, well, texted anyway. I have another appointment with her next week. I'll make that one, I hope.

I just want the pain to stop. It's been 2 1/2 years, almost 3. The pain in my hand is getting worse, not getting better. It's spreading out toward more of my hand than where it had been. More of my hand is hurting. The pain was more concentrated as a "crushing' sensation that covered about my whole hand. But anymore, the pain isn't just the crushing sensation, it's even more sensitive to touch, as I was describing a moment ago. That has always been a problem, but when I said getting worse, that what is getting worse. I have to wear a padded glove 24/7. The sheets in the bed even send me to the ceiling because of the pain when I slide my hand around pulling them up over my shoulder.

2/11/2011 7:30 AM

Good morning. Well, the sudden pause in yesterdays note was from a freeze in my computer. I just got my first morning cup of coffee, since Saturday too actually. Well what I wanted to mention is that as I was pouring my cup, it dribbled down the pot and onto the counter. Trying to clean it up I just grabbed a paper towel. I had to lift the pot, with my right hand and wipe the under side of it and I couldn’t believe how bad it hurt my left hand to just HOLD the paper towel in my thumb and index finger while the rest of my hand was ATTACKED, that was how it felt anyway, by the paper towel while I ran it over the bottom of the pot.

This is such bullshit. I was up at least 3 times last night and can't even enjoy my fucking coffee.

But the key thing is, I'm up. Out of bed. Having coffee. Threw on some shorts, about to throw on my walking shoes (that I have already had someone tie them for me, tight enough not to fall off if I picked up the pace and started to jog or run a little, but loose enough to slip on and off easy enough.) and planning to go out and walk for a bit. I had spent just about the last week as a recluse and that is just not me. Not that I'm a socialite of some kind, but I used to always try and just do something.

But wow is this coffee good, I've had the supposed fresh ground from Starbucks or wherever, but at home, oh it is so much different. It fills the air in the whole house with the smell of the ground beans. Then once brewed, mmm, mmm, mmm. So, I'm grabbing a second cup. (no this isn't even a commercial, lol).

Ok, and no dribble this time. I took the top off prior to pouring.

Sitting here listening to Mark and Brian on the computer and wish like hell I could pick them up on my cell phone so I could hear their show while I was out walking. I'm trying to record them on RealPlayer but I don't know if it'll work, then save the show on my phone. Worth a shot I think.

I can't believe how much my neck and shoulders are still killing me and so tight from the last surgery. I try using ice and heat and I still feel so tight that you could bend a nail if trying to nail one into my shoulders. It just fucking hurts.