Sat, Jan 22, 2011

Saturday, January 22, 2011

9:01 AM

Well, I know it's been more than a few days. So let me go back a few days and get caught up.

I spoke to my Mom, she said that her colon cancer is back. But I guess this part is ok, she sounded really positive.  She didn't sound so frightened as I remember her being last year when she went through it. I know that she is scared to a degree, because her sister is going through colon cancer, has been and from what I understand, it's been really rough on my Aunt. But in talking with my Mom on Wednesday evening, she's (my Aunt) has had a great turn around and is doing pretty well. But also, in talking with Mom the other day, she said that she was going to be having her colon cancer surgery done on Friday. She sounded really good, more positive and happy. Not because of the cancer I'm sure you guessed, but she overall sounded really good.

I called Tony, my brother, yesterday but Mom had just gone in for surgery, they were running late as it turned out. So he called me last night and updated me on how Mom was doing. Tony said that Mom came through great according to the surgeon. They had to take out more of her colon than originally intended. But overall, she's doing good. I'll give her a call tomorrow, let her rest up a little more.

Alright, so I mentioned that my implant quit working Tuesday, I called the rep and set up a time on Wednesday to go out and have her check it out. Melissa, the rep, ran a whole series of tests on the implant and still got nothing. She said that it looks like the implants battery may have had a wire come out of it.

I just don't get it. What the fuck is going on that is making this thing keep quitting on me? Melissa said that either my surgeons' office or my new pain management doctor can use a local anesthetic on my ass where the battery is and open it up and fix the wiring. I really hope it's that simple. If it doesn’t resolve the problem and get the implant working, I'm going to have them remove it. I can't do this anymore.

The 4th I had the implant revision surgery, and that really tore me up. I've mentioned that. I think I've also mentioned that I also needed a little help around the house and with just taking a shower, all of a sudden I'm getting calls from about 4 or 5 Nursing Agencies biding for my services. I really needed them after the surgery, and now I'm having to fend for myself with everything and after having neck surgery, its so hard to reach and turn and just do basic things. That’s all aside from not being able to use my left hand. I haven't made my bed since the surgery. I had a nurse come out last week and do my laundry, change my sheets, but it's still a little too little, too late.

I met with another nurse yesterday that did a more thorough evaluation of my condition, the setting, talked about what I can and can't do. So hopefully after her report goes back to the insurance company, I'll get some help. But like I said, it could very well be a little too little, too late. We'll see how this ends up.

I got a call from my lawyer yesterday, and when I mentioned my next appointment in Beverly Hills, he pointed out that it was with a "Hand and Upper Extremity Reconstructive Surgeon". I thought it was just another freaking shrink that the insurance company wanted me to see. But when my lawyer told me who he was and I read the letter head, saw the "Reconstructive" phrase in it. I have to admit I started getting a little excited.

So now, with the knowledge of seeing a reconstructive specialist, I'm putting "Amputation" on the back burner. I'm not taking it out of the picture all together, but if I'm lucky, this new doctor will be able to get into my arm and rebuild what should never have become an issue in the first place.

I finally went to Havasu, to the bike shop yesterday. I picked up my glove I ordered for my hand. It actually fits better than I expected. Plus it's a little bit longer than my other glove. I bought it to help protect my hand from just touching anything. The nerve damage has been so extensive that even the slight brush along a soft cloth hurts my hand. I still have the crushing sensation, that hasn't changed. That’s what the implant is suppose to be for but the glove is suppose to help protect my hand from just everyday things. Even resting my hand on my leg while sitting down can send extreme pain through my arm. That’s why I have the glove. It hurts like hell to slide it on or to take it off, but once it is on my hand, it feels so comforting really. I can rest my hand on my leg, on the table, wherever. Even though I still have that crushing sensation, I can at least put my hand down.

I'll keep you posted, and thank you all. Your support has meant a lot to me over the last 2 1/2 years. You have no idea what runs through my head.

So anyway. I've got you up to date. I'm thinking of going up to Havasu in a while. There is a Hot Air Balloon Festival going on. I thought I'd go take some photos. If I get some good  shots, maybe even do a drawing in my medium, dots. I think if I get some vibrant and bright colors, I could have something really cool to go by, create some cool works.

Ok, enough for today, it's almost noon. Get my ass moving and do something. I'm losing it and I am not like that, so hence the title of my writings. CHANGES 

Tue, Jan 18, 2011 (a)

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

12:32 PM

Hey people's, well it's what, 12:30, I got up a little over an hour ago, made some oatmeal. But man was I more tired than I thought when I woke up this morning, the first time. What was it, 2:30am  or something.

Anyway, by getting up that early I was for some reason motivated to get my blog up to date. I'm glad I did, and as you can see, I re-posted those first few days because I originally had them on my blog from windows live. I rec'd an email from windows live blog saying they were closing the site or something. I don't remember but that was when I created the blog here, in BLOGGER. I like a lot more of the features this site has anyway. I still have a lot to learn about the site and what it offers but it's coming along.

Well I'm going to fiddle around the house, work on those drawings, maybe make some coffee, I think It just sounds good right now. But I'll come back on later. I'll wait and post this either later tonight or in the morning. Ciao

June 26th, 2008

Saturday, November 27, 2010

12:12 PM

I don't recall what time I woke up, but the nurse came by and gave me my morning pain meds and whatever else I was suppose to take. The pain had eased enough that I wasn't moaning and groaning like the night before. They brought me breakfast and my morning meds. After they took my tray of whatever they fed me away, the nurse cam back and said to go ahead and get dressed, it was time to go. I said "go where?". She told me I was all done and was released. I just about flipped out. Even though the doctor came by after my bitching about it, he made sense. There was nothing they could do more for me while I was recovering from the surgery, but I was surprised as hell that I had to do my recovery at home.

The bullshit about it was the fact that they didn't even see me for 4 hours when I first got there Tuesday night. Now here it is Saturday morning, not even 24 hours since my operation, and here they are basically kicking me out of the hospital.

After giving in because I had no choice in the matter of staying to recover, I called my daughter, Tasha, and fortunately she was already on her way to visit me. And luckily she said she was bringing me some clothes. They rushed me out so fucking fast, that I had to go wait for Tasha in this room like a lobby but it was only for patients that had just gotten discharged and was waiting for their ride, well that was me. I waited for about 45 min's for Tasha to get there but she could only go so fast. She didn't know I was being released. When she did get there, I didn't even bother changing out of the hospital gown, I was but naked underneath it and I told Tasha, "let's just get the hell out of here". I put on my cowboy boots she brought and wore my cowboy hat and proceeded to go to the car. Tasha drove and I just sat in passenger seat and dozed off once we got on the highway.

We got home and I went straight to bed. That’s where I think I stayed for weeks because of the pain.

I did get up a bit for the bathroom, and to shower now an then

June 25th, 2008

Sunday, November 14, 2010

12:01 AM

Well, without having to go back over any of the other files, I may be repeating myself, but. The date I'm writing this, yeah, it's about 2 1/2 years past the incident date but I'm finally getting the chance to do so.

So anyway, here we are. It's now Friday and I'm laying here anxiously awaiting word on whether or not my surgery is going to happen. In my room now is just one other female, the TV guy that seams to never be leaving, and myself.

Waiting, waiting, more waiting. Oh, did I mention that I WAS WAITING.

Ok, well finally someone arrives to wheel me over to another pre-op room and from here the anesthesiologist from last night and some other yahoo anesthesiologist is like coming between me and my girl, (haha). Anyway, they tell me what is going to take place and had me sign more papers.

Well that was about the last thing I remember until I woke up in what I honestly thought was either the back room of some other hospital thinking me and another dozen guys had a kidney or lung removed and sold on ebay. I was on an end, by a window that look out over this open, totally desolate, bright as the day is long, ROOF TOP. Yeah, roof top, but I also had a curtain between me and everyone else, which is what I really wanted. The real problem came when I realized I wasn't in Tijuana. I couldn't only here Spanish between anyone there in the room and on the TV. So I thought they transferred me to Mexico.  I mean why not, they waited 72 hours to operate, I might as well have been an outsider from a whole different world.

Ok, so after little while,  my nurse came by and filled me in on where I was,  so I didn't have to worry about having a ranchers logo branded to my ass to go along with the herd of cattle in my warehouse of body's. But as God is my witness, I was in so much pain, I moaned and groaned all day and all night long.  The pain was so fucking unbearable, I wanted to kill someone, and I was willing to be that someone. I just could not understand how I could be hurting so bad when they just operated on me, except that maybe the thought of them waiting 72 hours to reattach dead veins, nerves and arteries.

My daughter came by to see how I was doing after the surgery and brought me a few personal things, clothes mostly. Because we had no idea how long I was going to be in the hospital and she filled me in on what my son and Sarah were doing. I guess they stopped in Salt Lake City on the way back. No biggy, I'm just rambling now. After talking to my son later on I guess I don't have to feel guilty about finding Sarah to be actually pretty hot. She is and was a sweetheart among sweethearts. 1/2 my age but hey, I couldn't, not, say how I felt. But who knows, it was probably a one sided feeling. 

After my daughter left, I had nothing to do but try and read the books I have on my phone but that alone was almost impossible because of the amount of pain I was in. I couldn't sleep for the life of me. The nurse had come back by after I buzzed her again and again. I needed something for the pain and nothing they were giving me was working. She brought a doctor by later that evening, I think it was around 11pm. I've already had a shit load of pain meds I think but if I had, they haven't been working at all. The next thing I know, it's Saturday morning. 

June 24, 2008

Thursday, September 30, 2010

5:33 PM

This is Thursday, I don't remember when I woke up, but I was still in and out of a sleep mode of some sort. Plus, Mr. TV across the room had the volume back up again. I saw everyone else in the room, (patients) getting a tray of breakfast and juice, maybe some coffee. I got nothing, no coffee, no water, no ice chips, nothing. I do have to admit though, it reduced my need to pee in the bedside bottle, because that alone was so hard to do with one hand. I'm sure in those few days I also lost a few pounds. I was so hungry, I really wanted my kids to even sneak in something for me. But, if the doctors did all of a sudden decide to operate, I would have been screwed with having food in my stomach. So I waited, and waited.

My kids Kip and Natasha, Kips friend Sarah and Tasha's friend Angela came by around mid morning. I was hoping to give them some news about when they were going to operate, but I didn't have anything for them. Unfortunately my son and his friend had to get back on the road to Billings, they were driving and that being such a long ways, they wanted to get on the road once they knew what was going on. I told them to go ahead and get on the road, I was thankful for them being there at such a fucked up time of my life. I hadn't seen my son in a couple of years and it was amazing to have them both, my daughter and my son back with me, within reach at the same time. The thing that sucked, is that my son and his friend just got there over the weekend, Saturday the 19th I think. His 21st birthday was on Sunday the 20th. We went out and had drinks at the Yard House, I even got carded and the really weird thing was, my drivers license was expired. Fortunately I have enough gray hair, that he took my word for it that I was over 21. Then we went over to Cheesecake Factory, mmmmmmmm I just love the food there. Here are some pictures of the staff bringing out a cheesecake with a candle and singing him happy birthday. That’s my boy, turning the big 21. we had such a good time.

 June 24, 2008 (Web view),  Picture on page "June 24, 2008" (OneNote)

June 24, 2008 (Web view),  Picture on page "June 24, 2008" (OneNote)

I think he was a little embarrassed by the happy birthday song, who wouldn't be, even for a second you know

June 24, 2008 (Web view),  Picture on page "June 24, 2008" (OneNote)

Then he blew the candle out, still looks like he was making his wish.

 June 24, 2008 (Web view),  Picture on page "June 24, 2008" (OneNote)

No, I don't think this was his wish, this is Sarah. She was down here visiting with my son. She is so cool, just an all around stand up person.

June 24, 2008 (Web view),  Picture on page "June 24, 2008" (OneNote)

And here is my beautiful daughter Natasha (Tasha)

 June 24, 2008 (Web view),  Picture on page "June 24, 2008" (OneNote)

I've got some great kids, just overall good people too. And they look good too, handsome son, and a beautiful daughter.

Ok, back to my hospital stay. My son and Sarah head out to get on the road for Montana, Tasha and her friend Angela hang out for a bit.

Eventually, a nurse comes by. I think around 2 or 3 and say's that I can have dinner because they have me scheduled for surgery the next morning, Friday. Well I wasn't too optimistic about it, but I was just happy to get something to eat. It's now Thursday evening and I haven't had anything to eat since Monday night. She (the nurse) did say I could have anything I wanted up until midnight. Unfortunately, my mind was like 20 times bigger than my stomach at this point. I asked for this, that and the other thing to eat, but I could only eat so much. Before the accident I felt I was just about my ideal weight, I felt good, and I felt I looked good. I was in some of the best shape I had been in years. But now, after not eating for what, more than 72 hours, I felt like shit, and I'm sure I had lost quite a lot of weight. This picture above was 2 days before my accident, and now, I'm glad I don't have a photo of me. It's been 3 days, haven't shaved, haven't eaten. My arm is still opened but under some bandaging.

Tasha & Angela left after I got some food. I consider Angela my lost adopted daughter, she best friends with my daughter and calls me dad too. Its pretty cool having a second daughter.

Anyway, more tomorrow. I got some dinner and hopefully they will operate tomorrow.

Oh yeah, I did forget to mention, the anesthesiologist came by my bed and introduced herself to me and wanted to fill me in on what was going to happen tomorrow morning. Well two things did happen, the first being I didn't quite hear what she said the first time, I had to have her repeat it because man oh man was she gorgeous. Just absolutely beautiful. So yeah, I was lost in a gaze when she introduced herself and told me what they were going to do. But anyway, she told to make sure I didn't eat or drink anything after midnight and they would come get me in the morning to a pre-op room and then take me in for surgery. Inside I was jumping and yelling, whooping and a hollering. But physically, I couldn't do anything but smile because of the meds and pain my hand. I could barely sleep that night, all I remember what that the night nurse was like a jail sergeant more than a nurse and I was glad to be leaving that room.

Whew, today is over, and tomorrow they are FINALLY going to close up my arm and re-attach everything. I'll get my hand back, yahoo.

Goodnight, love you all.

July 23, 2008

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

10:49 AM

It was about a 2 1/2 hour ride to LA County General Hospital from Palm Springs Desert Regional Hospital so it was shortly after midnight and into Wednesday, and when we arrived at County General, we went in to the Emergency Room. The medics transferred me like a UPS package to a nurse at the reception desk in the ER. The medics gave me a manila envelope and told me to give it to the doctor that see's me. So at this point, about midnight or 12:30, I am in the possession of LA County. I'm laying in a gurney and I'm rolled out of the way up against a wall in the emergency room with nothing to drink, nothing to eat, no ice chips. the only thing I have are these moist cotton ball suckers to keep my mouth from drying out. But at this point, the last time I have had anything to eat was dinner from Monday night and the last time I had anything to drink was Tuesday morning on the job-site. I'm medicated with Demerol I think and still really tired so while I waited to be seen I slept quite a bit. At one point I was rolled into another very large room with dozens of patients waiting to be seen. The male nurse that rolled me into this other room had a file of his own on me and he handed that file to a female nurse at another reception desk. She took my file and directed the male nurse to put me just at the end of a row of curtained off sections of this large room within 30-40 feet from the reception desk. The way I was laying, I had a curtain on my right and I could see an elderly man between the curtains, I could look over my feet and see the reception desk and to my left was a couple of tables and chairs. While I was laying there I noticed a young female doctor seeing patients at on of the tables and it appeared as though she was assessing these patients and directing them to go to specific areas of the hospital for their specific needs. I had been laying there quite awhile and aside from being extremely thirsty and hungry, now more pain is settling in on my arm. I had been watching the people come and go with the female doctor and people were coming and going out of the reception area. I looked over to my right earlier and saw that the older man had gone and then there was an older Asian women sitting there. I looked at the clock above the reception desk and it said it was after 4:00 in the morning. I looked over to my right and the Asian women was gone. I figured I better ask someone what was going on because I should have been seen before the Asian women and since she was gone, that meant more than likely that she had been seen and moved on or released. I looked to my left and noticed that the female doctor was just finishing up with a patient and I asked her when she had a moment I needed to talk to her. She got responded with "I'm busy here, I'll be with you in a moment". Considering I already had been there for more than 4 hours, I felt offended by her comment. about 10 minutes later she came back around and asked me my name. When I told her, she said she'd be right back. I could hear a conversation behind the curtain on my right that involved me and my file. I heard someone asking where my file was and who had it last. about another 10 minutes later, the doctor came back to me with an excited tone in her voice and said "I'm so sorry, I should have seen you when you first got here." Well that was encouraging, I've been waiting for more than 4 hours. So now I'm next in line with the doctor and she pulls up a chair and asks my pain level. It was a 10 out of 10. She asked what happened and I explained it to her and I also told her that she should get some towels and/or a bunch of gauze because of the blood that may end up going everywhere once she removed the bandaging that was put on my arm in Palm Springs. She said that it was fine, that she didn't need anything extra. Well as soon as she started cutting the bandage and opening it up, blood started running all over the place, all over me, my gown, the gurney, the floor. So then she yelled for one of the nurses to help with the mess and grab some towels. Then they got me a new gown, changed my bedding and the doctor was surprised at the amount of damage the cut had done to my arm. After she got me cleaned up, she wrapped my arm up again with gauze and ace wrap. She made some notes in my file and left. They gave me some more pain medication but nothing seamed to be working but it did seem to help me sleep. I slept for a little while and my kids arrived along with some very close friends and my daughter brought me my cell phone. If I remember the time correctly, it was around 10:00 or 10:30 when a team of about 5 or 6 doctors came to my bed, asked me a battery of questions, i.e. how I was feeling, my pain level, what happened, what has been done. They unwrapped my arm and asked me to move my fingers. I was able to picture it in my mind and I could feel movement in my forearm below the cut and when I looked at the cut while trying to move and wriggle my fingers I could see the tendons and other parts from inside my arm moving. But I wasn't able to move any of my fingers, only my thumb slightly. They took me to another room, a ward I think, and there were a total of 8 or 9 beds, one bathroom, one t.v. When I got in the room, all of the beds, or spaces were taken up by other patients and the only positive part of that was that there was a curtain to separate me from everyone else. The worst part of it was the fact that the t.v. was controlled by the patient that was closest and he also controlled the volume. I would have been okay with that but the t.v. was on 24 hours a day. After I got to the ward, I was seen by another team of 5 or 6 doctors who re-opened my bandaging, asked me similar questions as the first team and had me try to move my fingers again and I had the same results, no movement except a little in my thumb and that was only in the first knuckle. I asked the doctors if I could some water, something to eat, ice chips, anything because it's been at this point about 36 hours since I've eaten and 24 hours since I have had anything to drink. They told me no because they may be operating soon. I said, "okay, let's do it right away, I'm ready." They left me saying that I would be set up for surgery and someone would be coming for me. I laid there the rest of the day, sleeping and visiting with my kids and waiting to be taken out of that room for surgery. The only thing I have to moisten my mouth is a handful of cotton ball suckers. I was getting really tired of them after a day and a half. See you tomorrow, this day is over.  -  Sep 19, 2010 - Kip Vidrine

Pasted from <https://health.google.com/health/p/#page=topic&profile=SWeyP4LQB0k&topic=LVXw6P7qbHds> 

July 22, 2008 The day that changed my world

July 22, 2008

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

12:31 PM

It was around 9:00am when I got a call from my employer Larry Dodson, of Desert Valley Installations to go to the address he gave me in Cathedral City at Cathedral Canyon Country Club Condo's. Because Larry said it was a demo, I decided not to grab breakfast because I'd be done early enough for lunch afterward. He said he would meet me there with the drawings and details of the job along with the clients name and phone numbers. I got there at around 9:30am and a second employee of Larry's arrived, Orlando. He was told by Larry to give me a hand on the demolition of the cabinetry and counter tops of the kitchen and both bathrooms of the condo. Then I could start the next day by myself with the install of all bathroom and kitchen cabinets. I put on my work gloves and got stared. Since I was typically a cabinet installer and didn't do that many demo's, I noticed that in both the master and the guest bath that there were mirrors that needed to be removed before the counters or cabinets could be removed. I called Larry and asked him what he wanted Orlando and I to do about the mirrors. Larry asked how secured they seemed to be and I told him that they were pretty loose actually. and the only sure thing holding the mirrors in place were clips at the tops of the mirrors and then they were resting in a metal track that rested on the top of the back splash of the counter tops. Then the metal track was screwed to the walls. Since they didn't appear to be too secured to the walls with Mastic, Larry told Orlando and I to go ahead and remove the mirrors ourselves and then keep going with the rest, counter tops, cabinets, appliances, fixtures, etc. I asked Orlando to start working on the kitchen counters and cabinets and I would start removing the mirrors. I told him to give me a yell if he needed a hand and I would do the same. I got a couple of mirrors down and then I needed Orlando to help remove a couple because of their size. While we were working on one of the master bath mirrors, all we had to remove it were pry bars and hammers. I remember one of the mirrors had a big piece of the corner snapped off. I had other mirrors leaning against one wall in the master bedroom and when Orlando came to help me with the bigger ones, we leaned those against the same wall. Once all of the mirrors were down, Orlando helped me carry down the larger mirrors and then I took the rest of the smaller mirrors downstairs to the utility trailer. I had already carried down 3 or 4 mirrors alone and one of the last of them, about 3 feet square, with the top left corner broken away, went so smoothly going through the condo, out onto the 2nd floor landing, down 2 flights of "L" shaped stairs, passed some overgrown shrubbery, and an uneven sidewalk to get to the trailer. When I would get to the trailer I reached up to "walk" the mirror down low enough so it wouldn't hit the top of the trailer as I carried it in and leaned it against the side with the others. On this last one, I took my left hand to reach up and walk the mirror down. Well that was the mirror that was broken in the top left corner, so when I reached up, there was nothing there. I looked up when I felt nothing there and saw the razor sharp edge slide into my forearm. As it was cutting me I immediately let go with my right hand to let the mirror fall to the ground. This was at approximately 12:30-12:45pm and the mirror went down to the bone in my forearm. As soon as my right hand was free, I slapped it over the cut in my arm and yelled up to the condo "call 911, call 911". Orlando came out onto the stairs with his phone in his hand and the emergency operator on the line. Orlando wasn't sure of the address so I gave it to him to repeat to the operator. Then Orlando came over to me asking what happened and then another guy, possibly a landscaper for the condos came over to try and help. Then some other guy in what I think was a A/C service van pulled up. I kept tell the three guys to tie my arm off, with anything, tie my arm off. The guy from the van took a produce bag out of the van and tried to stretch it to make it longer but it kept breaking. So I just kept my right hand over it, bleeding.I had moved to 2 different spots while standing up and after about 5 or 10 minutes, the guys helped me get to some shade and laid me down on my back. They raised my legs to help keep me from going into shock, I almost felt as though they were hanging me up to bleed me out like a deer because it seemed like I started to bleed even more. What seemed to be already another 10-15 minutes, a fire truck and an ambulance pulled into the parking lot, but it looked like the kept going on past. After seeing them go past, it took another couple of minutes for the medics to get to me. Even then, when I looked for them over to my right I finally saw a medic approaching. On one hand I was relieved, but when I saw this guy, he was just strolling, not in any kind of a hurry, none of them were. I was getting pissed, I was thinking "you guys are suppose to save lives and your walking at a leisurely pace". This guys gets to me and tells me to remove my right hand from my left forearm. I told him he needed to get some gauze, towels, something because I was bleeding really bad. He told me to move my hand because it wasn't that bad. How the hell did he know, I've been bleeding from a main artery for nearly 25 minute's. Rather than argue, I pulled my right hand away. Then this "medic" yelled to the other medics to get him some towels and gauze. I even heard someone say "we've got a pumper", but then I was wrong about the medic not being ready to handle the amount of blood I was losing. I think there is a period of time and some things that went on that I don't recall. Then I get put on a gurney and loaded into the ambulance. One of the medics and a firm hold on my forearm with some gauze over the cut and another medic was trying to get a second IV into my right leg. I noticed that there was one in my right arm already so I asked the medic holding my arm what was going on and he told me that I was losing a lot of blood and they wanted to get more fluids in me. The problem was that this other medic at my feet couldn't hit a vein because they were collapsing. So he was told to stop and to do other things. I just laid there getting tired, more and more tired. After what seemed to be about 15-20 minutes we arrived at Desert Regional Hospital. When I was rolled into the ER, I was met by a male ER nurse, a female reception nurse and a doctor that said he was a neuro surgeon (names I don't recall). These people took my personal property, my cell phone and I gave the reception nurse my daughters phone number and her speed dial number from my phone. During this someone took my blood pressure, temperature, asked me how I got hurt, I explained what happened. They asked me how I was feeling, I told them I felt fine, except that I was getting tired, and wanted to just close my eyes and go to sleep. This doctor in the white coat was working on my arm and moving around the room while all this other stuff was going on and I heard him ask someone where a certain type of clamp was. I heard him ask again and not get a response from anyone. When I heard the doctor raise his voice in panic to whoever heard him for where this clamp was, then I started to get concerned, otherwise I was being quite patient and calm during the whole thing, until then. My arm got wrapped up, I received 2 blood transfusions and got my blood pressure stable and was feeling better. But still tired. The doctor got the clamp he was looking for I guess and did what was needed with it. At some point I had to sign a paper for them to give me blood. Then I was able to use my cell phone and make a few calls to get my son and daughter down there. After they got there and my best friend Dave, I asked the male nurse if I could get something to eat, he told me that I couldn't have anything in case they were to operate. Okay, I'll buy that, but what about some ice chips? Nope, no water, no ice chips, nothing. The only reason I was given was because they may operate on me as soon as I got to another hospital and they didn't want ANYTHING in my stomach. I'm still pretty much out of it as far as comprehension. I heard someone telling me and my kids that they were going to have to transport me to another hospital that can do the surgery on my arm. From what I was told is that they called 3 or 4 hospitals and nobody had either a bed or a doctor that could do the surgery. But they said that they were sending me to County General in Los Angeles. What I couldn't understand is, why were they sending me to a county hospital when my employers insurance company is one of the largest in the world. It didn't make sense. So later that day, around 10:00pm, I was loaded into another ambulance with 3 medics to make my trip to LA. And still I have had no food, no water, no ice. Nothing since before the accident.  - 

Pasted from <https://health.google.com/health/p/#page=topic&profile=SWeyP4LQB0k&topic=LVXw6P7qbHds> 

Tue, Jan 18, 2011

 Tuesday, January 18, 2011

4:00 AM

I woke up this morning about 2:30am for some reason. Typically when I do it's because I have to use the toilet. I didn't realize it until just now, or about 5 min's ago when I noticed I had no electrical sensation in my hand or arm. So I tilted my head to the left, right, even did a slow 360 degree roll. Still didn't feel anything from the implant.

I'd already been up what, hour and half. I usually get up and I'm still tired so I go back to bed. Well this time I felt pretty awake and then I realized the implant wasn't working. So I took I off my dresser and placed it where I'm suppose to, to set a new program frequency or whatever.

I turned it on, saw that it made contact and was communicating with the device. I saw I had it on the first program and it looked like the intensity might have been low, so I hit the "plus" key on the top of the machine and an hour glass appeared and then the bar for the level of intensity, disappeared, AGAIN. So I changed to #2, got the same thing, #3, same thing.

I don't know what is going on, but I'm getting the feeling that my body is rejecting it somehow. I'll call Melissa  in the morning and see what her schedule is like, maybe it’s a programming issue and a simple fix, but is she going to be around to help with that for the next 100 years that I'm here.

If it is that, and my body is rejecting it. That would mean that they would have to open me back  UP AGAIN AND REMOVE IT ALL. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME.THE PAINS AND DIFFICULTY TO JUST SIT AT MY DESK WITHOUT WANTING TO GET UP AND DO A FULL ON RUN INTO A WALL TO TAKE AWAY THE PAIN IN MY NECK AND SHOULDERS RIGHT NOW.  I COULD NOT HANDLE THEM GOING BACK IN AND EVEN TAKING OUT THIS SHIT EQUIPMENT FOR ANOTHER MONTH OR TWO, I'M JUST NOT RECOVERED FROM THIS LAST SURGERY, SHIT, IT'S ONLY BEEN 2 WEEKS.

No wonder I woke up so much more alert, something must have happened in my sleep. The bed looks no more worse for ware, it just looks like a person has been on one side, nothing unusual.

Too though, I did get up and use the toilet, but instead of crawling back into bed, I started working on my drawings. I thought nothing of it, until I realized my implant wasn't working.

Well, here are some updates on my drawings I had posted a couple weeks ago. Let me know what you think.

Well, I'm going to crawl back in bed. It's 5:30 and I'm starting to get tired, again. Maybe catch some what of a nap. Talk to you all later.

My love goes out to all of you.

Mon, Jan 17, 2011

Monday, January 17, 2011

3:09 PM

I got up this morning, around 9 or so. Well, I was up a few times before that, but that’s when I actually got up, hopped in the shower and got dressed. It was still difficult to handle the shower by myself, mostly my back, feet and drying off. But I managed, I think I still need a nurse.

I spent a lot of time with a guy named Eric Seagren from an agency named MSC (Medical Services Company) I think. Anyway, we talked about what health care I need at the house or personal issues I might need. It sounded a lot like an interview with all of the questions, but I'm just concerned I didn’t' say anything that could mess with my settlement.

One thing that’s been going on that has been pretty cool is that pops has been turning some of the responsibility of the Apt's over to me. I don't know how well I'll do, but as long I can keep the complex in the black. I just hope my pops is proud of me.

I talked to mom the other day, she mentioned that her cancer is back. Not quite sure how bad it is because they still have tests to run, which are being done tomorrow and she should have the news by Thursday when she sees her Oncologist. I hope it isn't too bad. I'm praying for you mom. And I really hope those spots on your lungs are just that, spots and not cancer. Your strong, they saw them last time, maybe they are the same.

Fri, Jan 14, 2011

Friday, January 14, 2011

10:48 AM

New day, same old aches and pains. Well, I went out about 6:30 this morning for a walk, it was sooo, sooo, cold out. If felt colder this morning than it did a few weeks ago when it was 33 outside. And today it was like in the 50's I think. But I walked up to Coaches, a restaurant an ex g/f works at. Had coffee, chatted it up a bit and came back to the house. I had to lay down. My neck and shoulders were so sore. When I got home, pops was up and he suggested breakfast. I couldn't move any more, so I told him to give me a while so I could rest my neck and shoulders.

So while I'm laying there, I got a call from a nursing agency from Yuma, they got authorization from the insurance company to give me some home care for a few weeks. So this should be interesting. I've never had that before. She'll be here this afternoon, 2:30 or so.

Ohhh, and too. Yesterday, on Face Book, I got  friend request from Duana Swecker, Duana Dugan now though. I don't know if that’s her first married name or if there is more than one or what. But it was really cool. She was the one I wanted to marry right out of high school. But, right out of high school, I went to boot camp for the Marine Corp.  When I came home for my 2 week leave, just before heading back, she broke it off with me. Well that screwed me up for a long time. So anyway, it was fantastic hearing from her. I tried looking her up several times over the years but didn't get anywhere. Then too, when I went to Tacoma last year for my mom's cancer surgery, I stayed at my brothers and several times while I was there, I drove by Duana's old neighborhood and thought quite a bit about her and the old days.

It'll be great to see what she's been up to and everything.

Well, freshly showered and shaved, after a couple of weeks anyway. I got that visit from a nurse from the Yuma nursing agency. Not exactly the most experienced or real helpful I guess. Maybe though not what I imagined. She did help me in the shower with my back and drying off. That was fine. All I need except maybe a little more help in washing my hair but I managed. 

Thu, Jan 13, 2011

Thursday, January 13, 2011

9:31 PM

Hey, it's been just about a week since my last note, and literally, I mean note, I've barely written a handful of lines and I'm better than that. I love writing, or at least I have grown to love it anyway. I know I'm not the best at it, with grammar or some spelling, punctuation and thank god for spell check and all of the tools that come along with that.

So I believe I had said this before, and if I hadn't, I'm saying it now. And knowing me, I'll fall off my intentions, and I'll need prodding, but only from myself, but I'll need to get back on the bandwagon and keep writing.

So anyway. I just got back today from my daughters after recovering from a week of post op care by my baby girl. They opened me back up last week in my neck, mid-lower back, and just below my waist band. They did all of this last Sept., 29th of '10 and put a paddle of electrical wires in my neck and plumbed wires to my mid back and then to my ass cheek. Well I found out yesterday that the reason it quit working over thanksgiving, was because a wire came out of the battery. Well that alone was one of my biggest concerns in tar first place. The last thing I wanted was to have battery acid leaking into my body.

But, it appears that everything worked out ok. When I met with the doctor yesterday, he said he had to do a lot more in my neck area fore the paddles than before. I'm telling you, I can vouch for that, my fucking neck and shoulders are killing me, over a week later.

My daughter is so awesome though, she was there for me this last week, and even more so, for the last 2 1/2 years, she's helped out so much. This last week, her b/f Adam and their roommate Bally were a great help too. They let me crash on their couch, helped with getting me something to eat, moral support, telling me how much I and how loud I snored, lol. It was actually funny when they told me that.

Patience

Fri, Jan 07, 2011

Friday, January 07, 2011

2:14 PM

10:53 AM

Well I woke up  about 4 times in the night just for the bathroom, a few other times just to get comfortable.

I remember talking to someone about getting me a home health care nurse, but I couldn't remember. I later found out it was Amanda from Dr. Bergey's office. He contacted "International Nurse's exchange" or something like that. According to my attny's office, I have to wait 3 days before they can step in. I explained I didn't have 3 days.

Fucking office staff over there pisses me off at times. They act as if I'm already suppose to know the answers to some of this shit. Sorry. I've been going through this for so long, I'm close to going postal.

Story about a confused doctor? you tell me.

Thu, Jan 06, 2011

Thursday, January 06, 2011

12:17 AM

Evening ya'all, yeah, it's pretty late. I had a wonderful dinner that my daughter made. Even the presentation looked great. I'm so proud of her.

Alright, this is what happened today when I called Dr. Lai's office. I spoke to Holly, my nurse, and asked her what was going on and why am I not getting anymore meds from Dr. Lai and why am I not having any additional follow up appointments. She said that she didn't know, only that they were not treating me anymore because I accepted a prescription from Dr. Bergey.

"Here I go again" I thought, having to defend myself for somebody else's mistakes. I explained all over again to Holly what had happened. "On Dec 6th I called and spoke to you (Holly), I asked about getting something stronger for the pain because of the implant shorting out, I am experiencing so much more pain than ever. You then said I need to talk to Elena and you transferred me and I got a voicemail. I left a very pleasant message with the day and time along with my name and cell phone number. I waited patiently the whole week and called back the following Monday morning, the 13th. I left yet another voicemail with date, time, my name and phone number once I was transferred to Elena's extension from the front desk. I called back again on Tuesday morning around 10:15 MST (I was in Arizona) which was 9:15 PST. So after I asked for Elena's extension, I got her voice mail again. I hung up and called the office back and asked if Elena was there, the woman I was talking to said that she thought she saw her in back. So she transferred me back to her extension, again, and also again, I got her voicemail. I left another voicemail with the date, time, my name and number.

I called yet one more time, on the 16th. Because the office was going to be closed on the 17th, I was hoping to get my meds before then. And even then when I called, I got the voice mail and left another message.

Well on the 17th I had a follow up appointment with Dr. Bergey and I told him that I tried to contact someone from Lai's and got no return call and I asked him if he could help me with some pain meds because I didn't have anything. So that was when he wrote me the script for Oxycontin.

I also had a hell of a day because I couldn't go to the bathroom, pee. I couldn't get up to walk in the first place and in the second, I couldn't piss laying down. I even had a friend come over to try and help, well that didn't work because watching her try to help me sort of got me excited. I mean she is hot and looking down and seeing her hold my unit, I just couldn't pee then. I didn’t become fully erect, but semi-hard. Either way I couldn't pee. It took me til late into the evening to go. As the evening went on, I was able to sit up longer and longer. So then I was able to hurry but made it to the bathroom and at least emptied about half my bladder.

Every time I either sat up or stood up, after a very few short minutes, it felt like my arms were being pulled off of my body because of how much more the doctor had to open my neck up and cut into the muscles of my shoulders. The pain was like from a night mare or a poltergeist move. It was so bad.

Post Op Surgery, Thank You All

Tue, Jan 04, 2011

Tuesday, January 04, 2011

9:05 PM

First of all, before reading on, remember I am heavily medicated, ha ha. So if something seems written odd, refer back to this line. ;-)

Everyone, thank you so very much for your prayers and support. It means so much to me knowing you are all there.

I want you to know that I am here for each and every one of you in prayer and as much support as I can give.

Knowing that you are all there and said those prayers for me, tells me who my real friends are. If you're on my friends list, it isn't because I want to see how many I can get, it's because you mean something to me in one manor or another. 

Eve Of The Second Surgery For The Same Thing, Spinal Cord Implant Stimulator

Mon, Jan 03, 2011

Monday, January 03, 2011

3:56 PM

Shit, I'm running later than I had planned. Plus I am really tired. My pops and I kind of got into a fight last and that left me restless and I didn't get to sleep until well after 2:00am.

So I'm also worried about the morning, I've been going out every morning for the last few days, "am I going to screw that up?". I know, that sounds pretty childish and after reading it, selfish too. But these last few days where I've gotten up and didn't do anything except maybe get coffee started and go piss. But I was on the road walking before I could really get my eyes open.

Well I slept in a little later that usual, I was out there at around 10 this morning. Yeah, sleep in or what, lol

Ok, so I'm feeling good on that subject. I haven't missed a day. But too it has only been like 4 days. I'm not sure what I'm going to do tomorrow. I have to leave my daughters around 4:30 to ensure that I'm at the doctors office by 6 am.

5:29 PM I just got a call from an ex-girlfriend, Maris. She lives in Seattle now, has for some time.  Let me finish this call, be back shortly.

6:21 PM okay, done with that. It's been a while since we've talked, obviously, non-stop for an hour. I miss that so much. We use to sit on our front porch and we could talk about nothing or anything for hours upon hours.

Alright, back to the original topic where I stopped. I ended up going out or my run again this morning, only it was mid morning or almost noon by the time I got home. My legs were hurting so bad earlier, but now not so much. I want to also try and go for a morning jaunt before I head for Colton and my surgery.

I can hopefully stay in the recovery room a little longer that usual. I didn't like the idea of getting up and out as soon as the anesthesia wore off. I had a bad feeling about that from the beginning and here I am waiting for them to RE-DO everything all over again. I couldn't say that leaving so soon after I woke up. Well, they get paid the big bucks to know what they're doing.

Well, I am shutting down. I need to get in the shower and hit the road for Tasha's.

I'll let you all know how my surgery goes.

Love you all

Things in our lives evolve everyday. Some you control, some you cannot

Sat, Jan 01, 2011

Saturday, January 01, 2011
9:32 AM

Good morning, and Happy New Year EVERYONE.
Alright, check this out. I found it strange, and I was the that did it. Yesterday, Friday, New Years Eve Day, rather morning. I woke up around 6am, I looked at the weather and it was clear, the temp said 33 degrees. ONE OFF FROM FREEZING. And what did I do, lol, I go up out of bed with a burst of energy from somewhere and sort of bounced around the house and started the coffee going and was singing. Not any specific song. Just some made up words or sounds I guess. Fortunately I was home ALONE so I didn't have worry about waking anyone or embarrassing myself, lol. (fuck my hand is killing me from typing, but I'm having fun, like yesterday).
So I'm singing, getting coffee going, I got dressed in my walking shoes I've owned about 8-10 months and used twice and threw only a pair of shorts on, a tank top and a long sleeve thermal type shirt and went outside, after a little stretching and jogged a block and a half, walked back, jogged back down another block and a half and walked back. It was so freaking cold. I think the last time I was in weather like that I was working the oil fields in Wyoming in the middle of winter. That was actually more like 33 below freezing.
So I went out and tried to get some exercise, got my blood flowing though. I even stayed in the shorts and stuff and went running errands, had breakfast at this place called Coaches, people thought I was crazy wearing shorts.
But the rest of the day, new years eve, was pretty much uneventful until last night. Not much happened then either, but I got out of the house for a bit, had a couple of drinks, listened to a fairly decent band.

And guess what happened this morning. I woke up around 5:30, got up, not crawled out of, bed. Did a little stretching, put on my walking shoes, SHORTS, tank top and long sleeve thermal shirt, du-rag(cause I had pillow hair, lol) and took a couple bucks with me and went back out in 30 some degree weather. I walked, jogged, trotted, WALKED, trotted, lol. Eventually

10:00 AM
MST, going to have breakfast with pops, walking down, AGAIN.

10:28 PM
Well, 12 hours later I'm back to fill you in on the rest of the day and umm, find my list from yesterdays and finish hitting those points.
So yeah, at like 10 this morning, after my early morning walk and run, my pops wants to go to breakfast. ON FOOT, lol. That's okay, on his days off we usually do that anyway. His g/f Debbie goes a lot of the times to but today was cool. Just pops and I. shooten the shit about all sorts of stuff and letting me bend his ear about my surgery coming up Tuesday and what will be my next step if the unit shorts out on me again. I'm trying to stay positive and hopeful that the thing will do what it is suppose to, for the 5 to 8 years they said the battery was suppose to keep working. Maybe even longer, 10 years. I imagine it's all in how one uses the thing. I intend to have it on all day. Just maybe off while I try to sleep. Gets annoying at night. I just want the damn thing to work.

10:59 PM
Alright, here I am, getting up in the mornings walking and jogging in 30 something degree weather to get back in shape. Well I'm going to have to jog further tomorrow, I just made a bowl of ice cream. Not just any old plane ice cream. It's regular "Homemade French Vanilla", I also poured a good handful of Hershey's Choc. Syrup and as I'm eating it, I'm pouring Coke over it. It's so frigging good, lol

I'm getting so excited about my daughter in-law being pregnant with my new grandson. I couldn’t be happier with and for all of them. My son, Sheena, the boy's, Eli, Kaeden and the new comer this February.


1/2/2011 9:13 AM

Well I started drawing again. Not on it maybe as often as I really would like to be, but I need to actually get a new drawing table. Maybe after my surgery and I'm able to move my neck and stuff. Anyway, I still have my frog I'm still working on. I need to get him done, I've been working on it for what, a year now. I just don't want all that time to be wasted if something happens to it.
But I started 5 other pieces in the last 4 or 5 months. A couple portraits, only one of someone I actually know. The others are more or less "Fantasy" type pieces, not fantasia. Well you'll see, I'll take pics of them as they are and then again as I finish them.

 Here's my Frog, still trying to come up with a name for him. Ok, yes I suppose it could be a she, lol. So give me some ideas, help me come up with a name and even gender for my little frog.

Now this young lady I've decided to call Godiva. She's coming along. Several more hours I'm sure.

Here is a very dear friend of mine, Huyenafraid of having their portraits done. Was there some scary movie out regarding that?

This is the daughter of a good friend of mine. I'm adding features that are new to me, so I really hope I can get them right. The technique to add those features is something I've never rally gotten right, so I hope I've figured something out over the last couple years since I last tried adding them. Wish me luck.

This piece I've deemed simply, Nude on Satin. Let me know if you think that suits her.

Now this one here is of my dad's wife, we think she was in her late 20's. she passed away last May, and this is a gift for my Pops. it's taken from his favorite photo of her. I still have a handful of hours of work left to go and still trying to decide on a background. My pop's gets choked up a bit. He won't admit it, but I can see it.

So there they are, I started all of these within a couple weeks of each other. I love not having just one piece to work on, but I have now go even more unfinished pieces that if I don't finish them, they could get ruined by something or someone. Nothing hurts more emotionally than finding something damaged that you have spent so much time on.


Ok, time to reveal to the world, see you on face book.

Friday, December 31, 2010

Fri, Dec 31, 2010

Friday, December 31, 2010
9:04 AM

Good Morning. Well, as you can see, I hope anyway, it's now just after nine in the morning. I've been up since about six though. And on the phone for about the last hour and half or longer with Microsoft to get my software activated for Office 2010.

Anyway, I've been sort laxi-daisy with my blog, but I'm feeling a bit better so I'm going to work real hard at keeping up on it. I know it helped me to talk through a lot of this shit I'm going through. So for right now, I'm going to make a short list of things I want to lay down on the table, blog, rather.

Ok, now that I'm thinking about it;
Lori, and what's briefly been going on.
My next surgery coming up Tuesday.
My doctor appointments over the last couple weeks too.
How I was sick for the last couple weeks.
My meds I had been taking
Dad too, how he's feeling and how I feel
How I got up this morning,(123110) the way I was singing and went running, pretty funny, and glad I was home alone
The kids and what's been going on, and the upcoming birth of Liam.
My artwork, maybe even take a couple pic's and post the progression


But for now, I'm going to take off. I have to find some sort of cover for use as an access panel to the plumbing in one of my apartments'. I had a plumber do some work but he never repaired or made an actual access panel.

I'll be back in a bit, I'll continue knocking out my list, and probably adding to it. So if you are a reader of my blog, haha, pull up[ a seat, I've got some reading for you.

I love you all, please know that.

11:35 AM
Well, I'm done with that lot of errands. I looked at the hole in the wall in the #1 apartment, it was square and cut just about the right size. I ran down to the local hardware store and found a panel designed to do exactly what I wanted, cover up an access hole for plumbing in another room.
I also went and had breakfast at this local diner called Coaches Corner. An ex-girlfriend of mine was working, we chatted it up for a few, I ate and left.

Ok, now to my list. Get me caught up here. Well I wrote Lori's name down first, so that must mean something. I still hadn't seen her in about a month. Out of the blue, just the other day she msg'd me as if we just talked the other day. She does that a lot. I won't hear from her, ever, and I'm usually the one making the contact but there is the occasional first step she makes. Not enough though. I still love her, but I have to back off. If I get too close, or try to, she shuts down like a Venus fly trap.
Enough of her, or that issue. I get pissed cause she doesn't respond to my msg's and I want to start talking shit. So I'm not going to go that way today.

Alright, my next surgery. Well while I was at breakfast I decided to call the nurse for the surgeon to have her run their questions by me they run by everyone before a surgery. I also asked about possibly making the surgery an inpatient deal and at least keep me over night. Last time I left right after and look what happened. The piece of shit shorted out inside of 2 months. And now too, the surgeon told me on the 17th when I saw him that he was going to probably wake me up during the procedure. Once they re-did all of the parts, the paddle on my neck, the wire going from there to my ass and the battery in my ass. My butt cheek anyway. Right below my belt line. And that is still sensitive to the touch, like a charley horse or something. And I just called the office and there isn't anyone there, not until Monday. I'm hating the thought of having to wait like this all weekend. I don't really have a choice so, here we go on another emotional rollercoaster.

Ok, so check this out. I've been getting my pain management by a Dr. Lai. Pretty cool guy, helped as much as possible I guess. Well I had an appointment with them last Monday, but I was sick so I didn't make it but I called and was able to get in yesterday. But they are pissed off at me for getting some pain meds from Dr. Bergey. See if I can hit all points in between real quick on this.
Implant fails on me and shorts out over the thanksgiving weekend, I'm in Parker, AZ at the time. I'm not sure what to do or what is going on with the electrical device in me, is it leaking battery acid in my ass, are the wires going to burn me inside if they came loose from the points it was connected with? I have no idea, so I go to the ER out here at the hospital and they take x-rays and from what they said they could see, I should be ok and not to worry about battery acid and the other concerns but follow up with my primary doctor, duhhhh I said to myself. So a couple days later I see Dr. Lai for some more pain meds because whatever the unit did do while it was either working or when it shorted out, cause my hand to hurt worse than ever. I get from him an increase in strength of the Embeda pills I had been taking but basically nothing new. Over the next few days the pain is getting worse and worse. So on the 6th of December I called Holly at Dr. Lai's office. She's my nurse I have to see before I can see or talk to the doctor and then I might only be able to see the PA, her name is Ehrin. So anyway, I call Holly, after explaining to her how much pain I'm in, she said she had to transfer me to this girl that handles the prescriptions named Elena. So I get transferred and go straight to a voice mail. I hung up and called back, asked the receptionist if Elian was there. I was told "she should be in back" so I got transferred again and again got her voice mail. I left a message with my name and number. I called again on the 10th and left another message, on the 13th, twice on the 14th and again on the 17th. I had a follow up appointment with my surgeon dr. Bergey on the 17th also. Since I hadn't gotten a call back from Dr. Lai's office, I asked Dr. Bergey if he could get me anything stronger for the pain and that Dr. Lai's ofc wasn't returning my calls. So Dr. Bergey writes me a script for Oxycontin and now here's the screwed up part I started to mention. Yesterday I'm at my regular, monthly appointment at Dr. Lai's and Ehrin tells me, along with Holly, that I shouldn't have gotten any pain medications from Dr. Bergey. I explained to them how many times I had called and they seemed to doubt me. The good thing is, I have all my calls on my phone so they can kiss my ass. Ehrin told me that they were probably going to have my case turned over to Dr. Bergey since I was going to him for my pain meds. I couldn't believe how childish they are making this.

So here I was a couple, three weeks ago after the spinal cord implant stimulator shorted out, I couldn't handle the pain any longer so I started taking more of my meds. Not at one time, but far more frequently. From older pills that were replaced by something different to even taking my sleeping pills 2, 3 times a day. If I could help relieve some of the pain by taking extra meds in the day, I wanted to sleep, and sleep. Here I was the first week of December I'm sleeping most of the days, aside from restless sleeping at night. I spoke to my therapist a few times. She was so afraid for me because of the amount of meds I was taking and I tried to assure her that I was not trying to kill myself. Now also, one more thing needs to be remembered when I say that, to see me more from her angle. I've told her, Danielle, and every other therapist or shrink and every practitioner I've met with since my accident pretty much that "I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE ANYMORE IF I HAVE TO KEEP ENDURING THIS BULLSHIT PAIN". But too I'm not going to kill myself or be stupid about what I'm taking. As long as my pain level is brought down to a manageable level, like maybe 15 (on a scale up to 10) I can sit here and grind my teeth until it eases a bit more. So when the implant surged and shorted out on me and then quit altogether, I went through such an extreme level of "crushing" sensations and shooting pain that it just seemed there was no way out. So when I told Danielle what I was taking and how often, she kept in touch with me daily and even had a cop come to my house to make sure I was ok. The gestures in her actions alone meant so much to me, it gave me faith you know.
So anyway, back to where I started going with this. I had taken so many pills that I ended up sleeping, well wanting to. I was so tired all of the time and I had no "umph" to get up and going but the anxiety I had from all of it, I couldn't just be laying there and go to sleep. I was more like a piece of garlic on a skillet, flippin, floppin, tossin, turnin. I just couldn't get rest, so I would take just about one of everything I had every couple of hours.
On the 17th I saw Dr. Bergey and because of the problem with Dr. Lai's office not returning my calls to get me something stronger for the pain, Dr. Bergey gave me Oxycontin. Said to take 40mg's 3 times a day. So in biting the bullet for a couple of days, I mustered through the pain for a couple more days and then it Oxy's started kicking in. my pain level is still at a 10, (higher actually but that's all they give me). So when I got back to Parker on the 17th with my new meds I crawled into bed and pretty much stayed there. Didn't eat much. Just had my water on the most part and I just tried to sleep. I stayed in bed until the 23rd when I had gone out to Palm Desert to have an early Christmas dinner. But as soon as I got back to Parker, back to bed I went. My next appointment was suppose to be on the 27th, Monday. But I ended up just staying in bed all day again. The on Tuesday I had a couple of more appointments but here I was, still in bed with NO ENERGY, no drive to even want to get out of bed. So guess what, yep, I stayed in bed yet another day. So there it went, Tuesday gone by the way side. I missed 3 appointments so far and here I am on Wednesday with one more appointment to go, but fortunately yesterday (tues) afternoon, around 3 or so in the afternoon, I all of a sudden came back to life. I had an appetite and felt like doing something. I was like a whole new me, which I know isn't possible, but I definitely felt better some how. So I got on the phone and rescheduled the appointments I missed and went out to Palm Desert to start getting these things taken care of. Because if I didn't, I wasn't going to be able to be cleared for my surgery next week.

Well, the next item I wanted to touch base on was my pops. He's 72 this spring, still working fulltime with the Sheriff's Ofc as a road deputy. I get worried about him being out there, but I also have to face the fact that if the Sheriff himself didn't have any concerns,
I guess I shouldn't either. I'm really proud of him, and wish I was half the man he was.
Ok, of to the next item, lol. I'll be getting all sentimental here, at least you didn't see the tear well up in my eye.

Alright, I'm actually going to close this for now. I started this yesterday, today is now 1/1/11. happy new year to all of you and I wish you the best.

I'm going to continue my list by I want to get this posted.
I'll see you in the future
My love to all of you.