Friday, December 31, 2010

Fri, Dec 31, 2010

Friday, December 31, 2010
9:04 AM

Good Morning. Well, as you can see, I hope anyway, it's now just after nine in the morning. I've been up since about six though. And on the phone for about the last hour and half or longer with Microsoft to get my software activated for Office 2010.

Anyway, I've been sort laxi-daisy with my blog, but I'm feeling a bit better so I'm going to work real hard at keeping up on it. I know it helped me to talk through a lot of this shit I'm going through. So for right now, I'm going to make a short list of things I want to lay down on the table, blog, rather.

Ok, now that I'm thinking about it;
Lori, and what's briefly been going on.
My next surgery coming up Tuesday.
My doctor appointments over the last couple weeks too.
How I was sick for the last couple weeks.
My meds I had been taking
Dad too, how he's feeling and how I feel
How I got up this morning,(123110) the way I was singing and went running, pretty funny, and glad I was home alone
The kids and what's been going on, and the upcoming birth of Liam.
My artwork, maybe even take a couple pic's and post the progression


But for now, I'm going to take off. I have to find some sort of cover for use as an access panel to the plumbing in one of my apartments'. I had a plumber do some work but he never repaired or made an actual access panel.

I'll be back in a bit, I'll continue knocking out my list, and probably adding to it. So if you are a reader of my blog, haha, pull up[ a seat, I've got some reading for you.

I love you all, please know that.

11:35 AM
Well, I'm done with that lot of errands. I looked at the hole in the wall in the #1 apartment, it was square and cut just about the right size. I ran down to the local hardware store and found a panel designed to do exactly what I wanted, cover up an access hole for plumbing in another room.
I also went and had breakfast at this local diner called Coaches Corner. An ex-girlfriend of mine was working, we chatted it up for a few, I ate and left.

Ok, now to my list. Get me caught up here. Well I wrote Lori's name down first, so that must mean something. I still hadn't seen her in about a month. Out of the blue, just the other day she msg'd me as if we just talked the other day. She does that a lot. I won't hear from her, ever, and I'm usually the one making the contact but there is the occasional first step she makes. Not enough though. I still love her, but I have to back off. If I get too close, or try to, she shuts down like a Venus fly trap.
Enough of her, or that issue. I get pissed cause she doesn't respond to my msg's and I want to start talking shit. So I'm not going to go that way today.

Alright, my next surgery. Well while I was at breakfast I decided to call the nurse for the surgeon to have her run their questions by me they run by everyone before a surgery. I also asked about possibly making the surgery an inpatient deal and at least keep me over night. Last time I left right after and look what happened. The piece of shit shorted out inside of 2 months. And now too, the surgeon told me on the 17th when I saw him that he was going to probably wake me up during the procedure. Once they re-did all of the parts, the paddle on my neck, the wire going from there to my ass and the battery in my ass. My butt cheek anyway. Right below my belt line. And that is still sensitive to the touch, like a charley horse or something. And I just called the office and there isn't anyone there, not until Monday. I'm hating the thought of having to wait like this all weekend. I don't really have a choice so, here we go on another emotional rollercoaster.

Ok, so check this out. I've been getting my pain management by a Dr. Lai. Pretty cool guy, helped as much as possible I guess. Well I had an appointment with them last Monday, but I was sick so I didn't make it but I called and was able to get in yesterday. But they are pissed off at me for getting some pain meds from Dr. Bergey. See if I can hit all points in between real quick on this.
Implant fails on me and shorts out over the thanksgiving weekend, I'm in Parker, AZ at the time. I'm not sure what to do or what is going on with the electrical device in me, is it leaking battery acid in my ass, are the wires going to burn me inside if they came loose from the points it was connected with? I have no idea, so I go to the ER out here at the hospital and they take x-rays and from what they said they could see, I should be ok and not to worry about battery acid and the other concerns but follow up with my primary doctor, duhhhh I said to myself. So a couple days later I see Dr. Lai for some more pain meds because whatever the unit did do while it was either working or when it shorted out, cause my hand to hurt worse than ever. I get from him an increase in strength of the Embeda pills I had been taking but basically nothing new. Over the next few days the pain is getting worse and worse. So on the 6th of December I called Holly at Dr. Lai's office. She's my nurse I have to see before I can see or talk to the doctor and then I might only be able to see the PA, her name is Ehrin. So anyway, I call Holly, after explaining to her how much pain I'm in, she said she had to transfer me to this girl that handles the prescriptions named Elena. So I get transferred and go straight to a voice mail. I hung up and called back, asked the receptionist if Elian was there. I was told "she should be in back" so I got transferred again and again got her voice mail. I left a message with my name and number. I called again on the 10th and left another message, on the 13th, twice on the 14th and again on the 17th. I had a follow up appointment with my surgeon dr. Bergey on the 17th also. Since I hadn't gotten a call back from Dr. Lai's office, I asked Dr. Bergey if he could get me anything stronger for the pain and that Dr. Lai's ofc wasn't returning my calls. So Dr. Bergey writes me a script for Oxycontin and now here's the screwed up part I started to mention. Yesterday I'm at my regular, monthly appointment at Dr. Lai's and Ehrin tells me, along with Holly, that I shouldn't have gotten any pain medications from Dr. Bergey. I explained to them how many times I had called and they seemed to doubt me. The good thing is, I have all my calls on my phone so they can kiss my ass. Ehrin told me that they were probably going to have my case turned over to Dr. Bergey since I was going to him for my pain meds. I couldn't believe how childish they are making this.

So here I was a couple, three weeks ago after the spinal cord implant stimulator shorted out, I couldn't handle the pain any longer so I started taking more of my meds. Not at one time, but far more frequently. From older pills that were replaced by something different to even taking my sleeping pills 2, 3 times a day. If I could help relieve some of the pain by taking extra meds in the day, I wanted to sleep, and sleep. Here I was the first week of December I'm sleeping most of the days, aside from restless sleeping at night. I spoke to my therapist a few times. She was so afraid for me because of the amount of meds I was taking and I tried to assure her that I was not trying to kill myself. Now also, one more thing needs to be remembered when I say that, to see me more from her angle. I've told her, Danielle, and every other therapist or shrink and every practitioner I've met with since my accident pretty much that "I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE ANYMORE IF I HAVE TO KEEP ENDURING THIS BULLSHIT PAIN". But too I'm not going to kill myself or be stupid about what I'm taking. As long as my pain level is brought down to a manageable level, like maybe 15 (on a scale up to 10) I can sit here and grind my teeth until it eases a bit more. So when the implant surged and shorted out on me and then quit altogether, I went through such an extreme level of "crushing" sensations and shooting pain that it just seemed there was no way out. So when I told Danielle what I was taking and how often, she kept in touch with me daily and even had a cop come to my house to make sure I was ok. The gestures in her actions alone meant so much to me, it gave me faith you know.
So anyway, back to where I started going with this. I had taken so many pills that I ended up sleeping, well wanting to. I was so tired all of the time and I had no "umph" to get up and going but the anxiety I had from all of it, I couldn't just be laying there and go to sleep. I was more like a piece of garlic on a skillet, flippin, floppin, tossin, turnin. I just couldn't get rest, so I would take just about one of everything I had every couple of hours.
On the 17th I saw Dr. Bergey and because of the problem with Dr. Lai's office not returning my calls to get me something stronger for the pain, Dr. Bergey gave me Oxycontin. Said to take 40mg's 3 times a day. So in biting the bullet for a couple of days, I mustered through the pain for a couple more days and then it Oxy's started kicking in. my pain level is still at a 10, (higher actually but that's all they give me). So when I got back to Parker on the 17th with my new meds I crawled into bed and pretty much stayed there. Didn't eat much. Just had my water on the most part and I just tried to sleep. I stayed in bed until the 23rd when I had gone out to Palm Desert to have an early Christmas dinner. But as soon as I got back to Parker, back to bed I went. My next appointment was suppose to be on the 27th, Monday. But I ended up just staying in bed all day again. The on Tuesday I had a couple of more appointments but here I was, still in bed with NO ENERGY, no drive to even want to get out of bed. So guess what, yep, I stayed in bed yet another day. So there it went, Tuesday gone by the way side. I missed 3 appointments so far and here I am on Wednesday with one more appointment to go, but fortunately yesterday (tues) afternoon, around 3 or so in the afternoon, I all of a sudden came back to life. I had an appetite and felt like doing something. I was like a whole new me, which I know isn't possible, but I definitely felt better some how. So I got on the phone and rescheduled the appointments I missed and went out to Palm Desert to start getting these things taken care of. Because if I didn't, I wasn't going to be able to be cleared for my surgery next week.

Well, the next item I wanted to touch base on was my pops. He's 72 this spring, still working fulltime with the Sheriff's Ofc as a road deputy. I get worried about him being out there, but I also have to face the fact that if the Sheriff himself didn't have any concerns,
I guess I shouldn't either. I'm really proud of him, and wish I was half the man he was.
Ok, of to the next item, lol. I'll be getting all sentimental here, at least you didn't see the tear well up in my eye.

Alright, I'm actually going to close this for now. I started this yesterday, today is now 1/1/11. happy new year to all of you and I wish you the best.

I'm going to continue my list by I want to get this posted.
I'll see you in the future
My love to all of you.